I don’t know who needs to hear this today, besides myself, but….when “broken men” cry about women not helping them…let’s think about this. Why would we?
Why should we?
Who is going to fix us? How would can we make sure that WE are healthy and happy when we give our energy away to others?
Both men and women can be equally damaged, especially as we get later into life – deaths, job struggles, financial woes, bad marriages, breakups, divorces – it is entirely normal to be messed up. However, I see so many men claiming that there are no good women to be found, that women don’t want relationships and are “hoes.” Well, maybe that’s because we have all grown tired of putting up with the bullshit that horrible men put us through and when we meet someone who has problems, we already know that it is better not to waste our time…because we’ve been down the road of trying to fix a broken man before.
No one is born to fix broken things. It is no one’s responsibility to fix broken things.
Unless you are a handyman, it is NOT YOUR JOB to fix broken things.
I’ve had a very bad habit of becoming involved with what my friends refer to as “broken boys.” One friend, after witnessing me become involved with increasingly fucked up assholes over a period of time, told me that it was as if I had a bright neon sign on my forehead saying “Broken Boys come to me.”
Age is irrelevant, whether they’re 21 or 51, if they’re damaged, they’re a broken boy. Why? Because MEN acknowledge and accept when they have issues, and work to fix themselves so that they can be happy, healthy and whole. It is the same difference between girls and women.
Yes, I realize that I talk about MEN a lot in these posts, and it’s not that I don’t know that females can be screwed up too. It’s that I am straight, so my romantic interests are always men and that’s what I have experience with when it comes to dating. Have I had extremely toxic female friendships? Hell to the yeah, buddy. I definitely have. But that’s a whole different story!
I did make a very strong attempt to avoid these kind of people for a while…hell, I still am, but struggling. Somehow, those sad, pathetic guys with all of their problems, their head games and lies, well, they keep finding their way back into my life. Sometimes I know right away what I’m dealing with, as was the case with a recent love interest…but sometimes they totally catch me off guard. Some guys are so good at faking being a normal, healthy, functioning human being that it takes me a while to figure it out.
My bad. Sometimes I let my guard down…I am only human, after all. And then I learn my lesson, again and again, the hard way.
Take care of yourself. Your first job in life is to take care of yourself. Broken people will come into and out of your life – men and women – and we don’t owe them anything.
We owe ourselves.
Your own life matters more. Your own self matters more. We can bleed ourselves dry trying to fix broken things. Sometimes maybe all of your love and support, all of your encouragement and patience actually HELPS someone. Maybe they grow and heal…and then they dump you and find someone else who was never around to witness the shattered self that they used to be. This happened to me. More than once. I will NOT allow that to happen again. I once spent 8 entire months involved with a really nice, amazing guy. We both thought that we were going to have a future together. He was going through a divorce, and it wasn’t pretty. I invested myself 100%…and once he got over the trauma of losing his marriage, he dropped me for someone new. After I had spent literally day and night for EIGHT MONTHS holding his hand, being his confidant, being his friend, being his lover.
Don’t invest your time, energy and love into broken things. Instead, use that energy to make yourself a better human. Help yourself, help your kids, help your family.
You don’t owe anyone.
I’m not the only one, right? I was a hot mess during and right after my divorce. I will totally own it, I was a disaster and I was NOT emotionally or mentally prepared to get back into the dating scene so soon after my marriage ended. 14 years is a long time to be with someone, and I was more psychologically damaged than I realized. I probably hurt a lot of really good men by my actions. So I’ve learned from that, I’ve grown, and now when I get hurt, I cut men off for a while so that I can properly heal before getting involved with a new one. My last serious attachment ended in the beginning of November, by my own choice. It was a toxic relationship. It was the end of March before I even gave a guy the time of day and began to become romantically involved. Almost FIVE entire months. I needed that time to get over what had happened and get into a good head space. I knew what I needed, and I needed to TAKE CARE OF ME.
Self care is a relatively new concept for me, but it is one that has kept me sane the past few years.
A friend told me a while ago, “taking care of yourself is exhausting work.” So that is where I am right now. Sure, there are men in my life – well, on the peripheral of my life – that aren’t healthy. One of them is a downright scumbag loser…but I keep him at arm’s length and I am honestly sort of waiting to see if he ever grows up, because he could be SOMETHING. He could be amazing, if he got his shit together. That? I think that’s okay. I just don’t allow these kind of men INTO my life, they can just hover around and stay out of my heart.
I won’t think twice about telling someone to get lost if they overstep their place…I’ve done it before and I can and will do it again. Because I am important. My own happiness is more important.
If you find yourself in a continuous cycle of winding up in unhealthy relationships with toxic partners…dude, WALK AWAY. Say GOODBYE.
Put yourself first. Make sure that YOU are okay.