2017 ended with a bang, y’all. Literally and figuratively. Someone said “I should have known it was trouble” concerning how I agreed to have a German visitor during the holidays – as soon as I said, “So, I met this guy on Tinder” she began laughing and said that. Ha!
Yeah, that happens to me a lot.
He was such a nice guy. LIKE WHOA. Such a nice guy…until he wasn’t. He was never MEAN to me, he was never a bad guy, we just really, really didn’t hit it off, from the very first evening together. While he was handsome and very nice, we just lacked that basic connection and ended up arguing – or not speaking at all – during our time together.
What went wrong?
Oh boy, just about everything. Firstly, I vastly underestimated his grasp of the English language, and while we were able to hold conversation in a very basic manner, we couldn’t really have those long, deep, meaningful conversations that are the cornerstone of my connection with romantic partners. But…he was incredibly handsome (did I mention that already?) and friendly, so I really tried. I TRIED HARD, Y’ALL.
We went to Key West together, and I ended up leaving him at the hotel, going to the bar across the street, and having a drink while some fireman sang karaoke. In Santa Costumes. We disagreed on the restaurant to have dinner at – he wanted a basic Cuban restaurant, which I’d been to in the past and knew wasn’t very good. I go to Key West ALL THE TIME. I know that city like the back of my hand, and had made reservations for my favorite restaurant, Santiago’s Bodega. He wanted no part of it. He didn’t want me to have a glass of wine at dinner. We sat and stared at each other over our bland meals, and he didn’t even touch his black beans.
The only enjoyable part of the day was when he agreed to drink mojitos with me, and we met a few couples who asked if we were on our honeymoon. I seriously hope that people didn’t recognize the look of quiet desperation on my face as that of a newlywed. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a great actress. The sunset in Mallory Square is the only part of that trip that I can look back on and smile about…
That night ended with me crying, feeling very unliked and seriously considering driving home and leaving him there to catch a Greyhound.
We spent one evening in Key West, then went home to Miami, where I drove him around to catch Pokemon, took him to my favorite bakery, and ended the evening with him comfortably dozing in my bed while I slept on the couch.
I SLEPT ON THE COUCH IN MY OWN HOME.
We went to Disney World together, and he didn’t speak to me for almost the entire drive there. He was upset I didn’t think to do Fast Passes for all the rides, but I don’t typically ride rides – I get motion sickness. I didn’t even think about it. Yet he held my hand throughout the park and kissed my forehead, as though this were perfectly normal and we didn’t actually hate each other.
He pulled me out of a line to ride the train to play a Pokemon Go Battle.
YET I WAS STILL TRYING.
I thought SURELY, this is due to some kind of communication barrier….He’s clearly attracted to me, he keeps holding my hand. He asks me to lay my head on his shoulder, he asks me to stay with him in his hotel. He asked to spend Christmas with my family.
LIKE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
He didn’t want me to speak. He didn’t want to get to know me. He grew agitated when I asked about his life, his family, his childhood, what he wanted out of life. He said there was time for that later, but hello?! You just flew to Miami from Germany to meet me and spend time with me. THIS is what we are supposed to be doing. Talking. Getting to know each other.
Then he ran off to the Bahamas for the holidays, after not wanting to see me for a week. Okay, fine. We weren’t getting along. It’s totally okay to not want to see me, but I live here, I have friends, family, I had a dating life before you arrived…I can’t put my entire life on hold while you decide each day if you are interested.
Then he came back…because I had tickets for a VIP booth at the Pitbull concert. I won’t share the photo of us together, because it’s ridiculous. We look happy. We’re smiling. But the evening ended with me running away, telling him I was going home, and jumping in my friend’s car and never seeing him again.
I wasted an incredibly hot outfit on him.
After he left, I did the Great Year End Purge, and gave up on men for a bit. When you date as much as I do, it’s a really cold, harsh reality to sit at home on a Friday night, with no one to text and no one to meet up with. I think I lasted a month before downloading Tinder again.
While I can’t say that the German was a jerk, or even a bad person in general, I think I should have listened to that inner voice that said something was wrong, when he told me he’d booked flights to come see me.
I should have known it was trouble.
I’d like to add, as an aside – he gave me permission to write about him. I have it in writing. He posed for photos and did a work trip with me, and several blog events. I’m trying to be nice and not share his identity, because you know, I am actually a nice person.