I had been taking a pretty long break from dating...let's say from October 2018 until now. I did have a random date here or there, about one a month, but they were all a bust and I never saw or heard from them again. There have been so many DUDS out there on the dating apps, and I literally just gave up and started just going out with my friends or going out to dinner alone and sitting there on Instagram looking at memes.
And I was sick.
Really, really sick. In January, something happened and I was suddenly having serious health issues. I could barely get out of bed, my hands were shaking, I was vomiting for three weeks straight, I lost weight. My gums were bleeding, my chest hurt - it got so bad that at the end of January, my mom had to come and take me to the emergency room. They couldn't find anything wrong with me (which makes that $1000 copay that I couldn't afford all that much worse), and discharged me saying that I probably had anxiety.
It was NOT anxiety.
I will be writing a blog post later about this health ordeal, because I am not completely out of the woods yet and still have follow up appointments to determine if I am getting better. But to make a long story short, I was sick as hell, I quit drinking (except for the occasional beer out with friends), and I take A MILLION vitamins every day in an effort to get healthy again. I am back to normal now, and feeling totally fine - but I still have to make sure that I've healed and I am going to be okay.
So, you see, after having some pretty lackluster experiences with men over the last year or so, and being ill, my priority has NOT been dating this year. I didn't even have the dating apps anymore, and while I do chat with guys at the bars and restaurants, I haven't actually picked any of them up, or dated them. I am just friendly.
Then...well, a hurricane hit me. We're nicknaming him Captain. I usually go to the same place every Friday, because they have a live band and it's usually pretty good. It's a little girl's night out with my girlfriend and I, a way to wind down the hectic week and escape and enjoy ourselves without going crazy - as we are both trying to live healthier lives right now. We will have a beer or two and usually leave once the band is done with their set. Low key, fun, and we always make new friends. We've become regulars - I have been going there for ages, but I never went there on Fridays before, so it's so exciting and fun to have a new Friday night routine!
Now, I have never been one to date the men I've met in bars, even when I was drinking a lot. Because I spend so much time in bars, either on dates, drinking with my friends, having dinner alone, or going there just to sit and work in a social setting...it has always been a rule that I don't pick up men in bars because I don't want any awkwardness. Well, that hurricane I'm referring to as Captain? I broke my rule after the second time we met. He wouldn't give up. He wore me down. And he has eyes that could melt the polar ice caps, so...yeah, I was weak.
Sometimes Men Really Annoy Me
So, I made him the exception. From day one he told me that he wasn't interested in casual, that he was interested in a long term, serious relationship. I was not. I had given up on the idea of being in a relationship, I really wasn't interested. He kind of talked me into considering it, giving him time to get to know him and we'd see where things went. We began spending time together, and talking a lot, but um...he kept forgetting we'd make plans. Or he'd ask to see me, and then stop texting me back. Then the next day, the same thing.
I honestly think he would get drunk and forget. He couldn't explain his behavior, he would say he thought he texted me back, or he didn't get my message. I knew that there was something wrong with his phone because sometimes I would get duplicate messages, or he'd call me and the connection was bad.
Sometimes Men Really Annoy Me
Over the next few weeks, we became closer and I began to develop a serious attachment to him. He was wonderful. He was funny. He was charming. I hadn't met anyone that I felt that kind of chemistry for in YEARS. While we weren't in a committed, serious relationship yet, he kept bringing up the future - even though he hadn't decided if we were actually dating yet.
And then things began to get weird. Over the next few weeks, he would call or text every day and ask me what I was doing. I was usually working. He'd ask when I'd be done, and I would tell him. He would ask about going out, or him coming over, etc - and sometimes he would stop responding. He would sometimes ignore my texts on weekends, claiming later that he didn't have service, etc.
He asked me to spend my birthday with me, and then ghosted me for 2 days, missing my birthday. I hadn't agreed to make plans with him because he had already been exhibiting this behavior, so it was okay - he didn't ruin my birthday or anything. But at this point - 3 weeks into seeing each other - he was already deleted from my phone.
He was always drinking and on pain killers for a health issue. He knew that I wasn't drinking liquor anymore and would encourage me to take shots of fireball at the bar with him, while I nursed my one or two beers and chugged water for hours. I don't mind the drinking - he wasn't a mean drunk. But I gradually began to wonder if his forgetfulness was a result of him drinking WHILE on painkillers. Sometimes he wouldn't even remember parts of our conversation the next morning.
Things between us ended a few weeks ago when someone questioned our seeing each other, as they thought he had been seeing someone else. I questioned him, which he didn't like, and he decided that we were better off as friends. I would like to point out that he was telling the truth, which was later confirmed. I was disappointed that things didn't progress between us, because I was pretty enamored with him, but his current situation in life was not ideal...let's just say that his amazing personality was all he really had to offer in an adult relationship.
Okay, fine. It had only been a little over a month, not a big deal. I had allowed him to spend nights with me, and meet my daughter, as I thought we were heading towards something serious - but that's okay. You live and you learn. It wasn't an entirely bad experience, as I knew going into this that he didn't exactly have his shit together, and I really enjoyed spending time with him. He was a ton of fun, and made me realize that I was ready to begin dating again. I liked having him around. I liked cuddling with him. I liked hanging out with my friends and having this funny, charming man by my side. I liked when he'd spend the night and wrap his arms around me and snore in my ear. It was pretty damn awesome.
I was so ready that a few days after it was over between us, I met someone else while having dinner at a local pub. You won't catch me crying over spilled milk...not for long, at least.
But....unfortunately, the new guy, as handsome, as nice and as interesting as he was - turned out to be even worse than Captain. LIKE, A LOT WORSE.
We made plans to meet up for dinner the next day and he blew me off, never even bringing it up when we texted that day. The next day, and the next day - we made tentative plans and he either stopped texting me when I tried to confirm, or told me he was suddenly busy.
Which was fine, because at this point, I'd already gone back on the Bumble dating app and arranged a date for that Thursday. He was really nice, and handsome, but we realized very quickly that it would go nowhere between us, as we lived about an hour away from each other and we are both too lazy to make that kind of commute to date each other.
The next day, which was Friday, the new guy met me for happy hour and we had plans to watch the band together that evening. He wanted to go home (he lived down the street) to smoke pot, which I don't do, so I didn't want to go with him. He said he'd be right back. I was fine with waiting because the band was about to begin, and I would have gone there to see the band even if he hadn't been with me. I have no problem being in a bar or pub alone - especially one where I am a regular and know everyone. Hell, that was my third time there that week!
HE WAS GONE FOR THREE HOURS. He would go 30-45 mins without responding when I asked what was going on, then asked me to meet him somewhere else - the entire thing was weird and made absolutely no sense to me.
He eventually came back and we left to a pool hall to finish the evening...the next day he texted me in the morning and said that he wanted to make it up to me, and we texted throughout the day about what we would do. He said he would pick me up at 7.
HE WAS THREE HOURS LATE.
Folks, I can't make this shit up. I asked him if he would be high again and he said no. He proceeded to smoke weed on the way to our date spot. The evening did not end well.
Yes, I drink my beer now and then, but I haven't even drank enough to get drunk in months. I don't mind a drunk guy - hell, I don't even mind if someone smokes weed. But it's gradually begun to occur to me that I can't relate to people who smoke weed like that. Nothing they say makes sense to me. This guy was a highly intelligent man and he acted like...he acted like he wasn't. Who leaves their first date for three hours and heads to another bar and asks them to meet you there? Who shows up three hours late to a date that is supposed to make up for the first date being so crappy?
HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE?
The last time we spoke, he asked if he could come over and cook dinner together and hang out. I said yes. He asked about spending the night and I said no. Then he dropped off the face of the earth.
So I went to my pub, drank a big ass glass of ice tea and stuffed my face with the best damn cheeseburger I've had in AGES...
My friends, while listening to me bitch and complain about these crazy men the last month and a half, keep telling me the same thing: stop meeting men in bars! It's like my friends don't even know me, and never pay attention to anything that I say. I've been single for almost 4 years and I have met literally THREE men in the local bars here in Miami. Everyone else has been through Tinder or Bumble. The first was in October 2016, and he and I are still very close friends. These two were in the last 7 weeks.
I DO NOT MEET PICK UP GUYS IN BARS. That isn't the problem.
So what is the problem? Am I just having a bad run of luck? Or are the men who hang out in bars just total whackadoodles? Most of my dates happen IN bars, so it's clearly not the setting itself. Hell, I met these two guys at two bars that I take almost all of my dates to! ha ha! So it's clearly not the bars themselves...
I was left scratching my head after this whirlwind of fuckery. And then I realized...it's because my Fuckboy radar is out of practice. I hadn't been dating since October, and I literally forgot every damn thing I knew about men! Well, the old Jenn is back, and she's wiser than ever...
Watch out, hoes.