I Quit Tinder Because it Sucked

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I quit Tinder.

I didn’t just delete the app, like I’ve done in the past. I sent pics of my deleting process to my girlfriends and they’re like DON’T DO IT!!! HOW WILL YOU MEET MEN?!?! YOU COULD DIE ALONE!!!!

Me: I am doing this shit!!!!!!!

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I DELETED MY ENTIRE ACCOUNT.

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I thought it was a pretty good profile. My bestie in NYC helped me pick my photos and approved of my bio, and some guy friends helped me go over my pics. I had over 200 matches since I opened it in July.

I actually joined Tinder in June 2015, right after my ex husband asked for a divorce, but I deleted my account once I was committed to dating the Army Guy this summer. When that ship began to sink, I reopened it with “Just looking for cool guys to hang out with!” and let everyone know I had a boyfriend (we weren’t officially in a relationship, but it was just easier to say that). Once it was officially over between us, I just put everything back exactly the same as it was previously, but updated with some more recent photos. I’d lost 10 pounds while dating Army Guy, and duh, my new photos were better-looking. I did keep that original photo as my main one, because everyone agreed that it was a solid profile pic.

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Remember how I said I hate dating? Yep. Still do. I had a string of very unsuccessful conversations with guys I met off Tinder, and after a period of TWO MONTHS, I never met a single one in person. NOT ONE SINGLE GUY. The only three dates I made off Tinder since Army Guy and I split up were another guy that was in the Army, who basically tried to make me a booty call and another guy who was pretty nice, but I think he friend zoned me after our second date, and a guy who sent me an UNSOLICITED dick pic after our first date.

Like, REALLY?! 9:03 AM and I open a text showing THAT with “Want to come over?” My response: No. Never text me again.

The first guy was so awful to me that I decided not to date military men AT ALL anymore. It also reaffirmed my belief that Geminis are NOT a good match for me.

Real conversation with a friend about that Army Gemini.

Real conversation with a friend about that Army Gemini.

But then you guys know I have a soft spot for my Marines…ugh. I just can’t resist. the. dress. blues. I matched with a hot, age appropriate blonde Marine on Tinder months ago and by the time we actually connected, he was STATIONED SOMEWHERE ELSE. Story of my life. Ugh. We have been chatting here and there for a few months and I am beginning to wonder if he’s married. Something is definitely up there because he has like 20 friends on Facebook. Fake profile, much?!

Even when they’re naughty, I’m like, “But he’s a Marine, surely he must have some redeeming quality, right?”

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I swear this dude is married. I would question whether he was even actually a Marine, but I know that Jarhead glint in the eye a mile away, and he’s definitely a Marine.

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So that connection is basically dead in the water. I haven’t unfriended him yet because I sometimes visit his city for work and I want him to take me out the next time I am in town so I can look at his muscles in person.

Just keeping it real.

Seriously. I don’t know what the hell is going on with the men in Miami, but these guys are crazy rude and ungentlemanly.

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Or maybe it’s that I just really suck at flirting?

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Yes, I said that. Partly because he was 26 and I didn’t really want to have to go on a date with a 26 year old, and partly because what the hell else would I have said to that?

Sometimes I have so little fucks to give that I just send gifs as an introduction.

I WAS NOT EVEN TRYING AT THIS POINT.

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Yep, so that’s how my love affair with Tinder was brought to and end. It was one of those ‘throw my hands up in the air and say what the hell, I am going to do this the old fashioned way’ decisions, and to be honest, I don’t really miss it.

My biggest problem with Tinder was that while I wanted to date men my own age, or older – what I refer to as “age appropriate” with my friends – is that 99% of the guys 35-45 that I swiped right on NEVER MATCHED with me. Meaning that they either thought I was horrendously unattractive, or they have their settings for younger women.

Gross.

I swear, most of the guys I matched with were 25-28. I am 38. Army Guy was 28 and he was a mature dude, and this other guy I went on two dates with was 26 and he was actually mature and pretty awesome…but most men 10 to 15 years younger than I am are just…they’re BOYS. I ran out of patience.

Sigh.

After about a month of attempting to meet men when I went out, I decided to install the Bumble dating app back on my phone. I’d never deleted that account, but I had deleted the app while dating Army Guy. I’ve never met anyone that I matched with or spoke to on Bumble, so I was like, hmmm, let’s give this one another chance, Mama needs a date before she becomes an old maid.

I find that on Bumble, more men in their 30s are matching with me, and um…there are some real hotties on Bumble. With tattoos. I get excited when I make a match, I love that Bumble like B O O M! Because I also say that.

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I don’t mind that women have to make the first move on Bumble, because as you can see from previous Tinder screenshots, there ain’t no shame in my game and I make the first move anyway. I prefer to send awkward gifs as my introductory salutation, but Bumble sucks at gifs, they never load. I basically just tell everyone, “Hi there!” or some lame shit like “Happy Friday!”

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Bumble…um. I don’t even know what to say about Bumble. I just reinstalled it last week, and both of the handsome men I was excited about connecting with have turned out to be….let’s just say I have been disappointed in the way our conversations have gone.

This guy was totally age appropriate and pretty handsome, but he got weird real quick. We chatted for a hot minute on the app and he asked me to hang out, so I gave him my number. This was his SECOND text message to me. Asking for pics. Okay, I can see why he’d ask. Maybe I used old profile pics. So I entertained him with a selfie I’d taken the night before at Happy Hour.

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Yeah, you can were where that went. IT WENT SOUTH REAL QUICK.

Sigh. Next.

Next was 6’5″ and also a handsome blonde. I gave him my number almost immediately last Friday and we texted nonstop for hours while I was out, and planned to join forces that evening. He never showed and my friend stole my phone and made plans for us all to meet up the next day! I was in the middle of planning a date with someone else for that night, but he talked me out of cancelling (because he was way hotter)….And then he became a total weirdo.

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I immediately screen shot that and sent to several friends, asking “Is he asking for a threesome?!?!!?” They all agreed that I shouldn’t meet him anywhere private. Then as our conversation progressed, he actually WAS ASKING FOR A THREESOME. And he sent a pic of his friend.

His friend was hot. I would date them both. BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME. I don’t judge anyone who enjoys multiple sex partners, but that is just not my cup of tea.

Yeah, so that didn’t end well. I ended up not going out with the other guy to see this one, and then he went all rapey-vibe on me, and then he actually just dropped off the face of the earth and didn’t even tell me where we were supposed to meet up (I was still going to see him IN A PUBLIC PLACE and not drink because I was afraid of getting drugged)…then texted at 2 AM “come play!”

Um, no. I am not coming to play, jerk.

Sunday morning, he texted, “Do you want to get together tonight?” I didn’t. Well, I mean, I kind of did because he’s freakishly tall in a I want to know how adorable I look next to someone more than a foot taller than me kinda way and incredibly hot, but not only did he inquire about a threesome before we even met but he ALSO BLEW ME OFF. I hate when guys blow me off. I don’t handle rejection well. Especially if I’ve already picked out an outfit.

And then this happened.

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Fuck my life.

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