I sat down at my desk this morning with every intention of catching up on the 77 emails in my inbox, looking at everything I have in my calendar that’s past due…and I just couldn’t. I sat here for a while and stared at the screensaver and stroked Gizmo’s soft fur as she purred in my lap (anyone with cats knows that they only want attention when we’re busy trying to do something else), and well, it’s just hard. I’ve kept things light on the blog, I’ve referenced the divorce and how our lives have changed over the past ten months in many posts, but I haven’t really shared exactly what I’ve been going through (except in this Ultrashape blog post, which I wrote the day my husband moved out) except through my Instagram.
My goal for The Rebel Chick has always been to inspire people to have fun and embrace the joy in life – writing about the dark topic of divorce, depression and anxiety…well, it doesn’t exactly fit with what I’ve tried to create in this space of inspiration and happiness. But this is real life.
This is me, in all of my glory, sometimes crying on the kitchen floor, sometimes jet setting across the globe to beautiful destinations, sometimes having drinks with friends, sometimes making bad decisions, sometimes ending up with a black eye for no apparent reason, sometimes meeting people that take my breath away – in good ways, then bad – and if I am going to “keep it real,” as I am so fond of saying, then I guess I should let you guys in and show you what my life has really been like for the past ten months.
Warning: It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
I think I’ll start by sharing some of the posts I’ve written on social media over the last few months…then we will fill in the gaps later. We don’t officially FILE for divorce until April 7th, and I think there’s a lot of things I shouldn’t say until those papers have been filed and it’s too late for my almost-ex-husband to turn on me. For the record, he hasn’t been a total asshole in all of this.
For now, I think this recent Instagram post sums it up pretty well. I’d just gone through a whirlwind encounter (we’re talking two weeks, so it wasn’t anything incredibly serious) with someone and it ended just as abruptly as it had begun, and the emotional fallout was rough…mostly because it happened two days after Chris and I FINALLY signed our marital settlement agreement, and ON THE DAY that I found out he was moving away from Miami and hadn’t told myself nor Angeline. The feeling of abandonment and rejection was already pretty all-consuming.
“Been gone a long time
I kinda lost my way, I can’t find it
And I caught a short ride
To the grave and back this season
I can try to get by”
It seems Blink 182 always has the words that I just can’t vocalize myself…probably the best thing that came from my 15 years with my ex was best friend sharing Adam’s Song with me, and my finding my favorite band. Music is EVERYTHING, and to find a band that speaks to your soul is priceless.
Divorce sucks. It’s been a rough year. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I’m pretty sure that I have Adamantium running through my veins right now. I’ve been through hell and back, I’ve stepped out of my confront zone, I’ve collected stamps in my passport, I’ve alternated between dancing in bars and crying on beaches across the globe, I’ve done crazy shit, I’ve forged friendships with amazing people in the place I’ll call home soon, I’ve opened my heart to people who didn’t deserve my time, who hurt me, and you know what? Whatever, man. If you’re not living, you’re dying, and I’d rather blaze a path of complete happiness and utter chaos through life than stop living.
As I signed my divorce papers a week ago, I thought: I’m ready. Whatever the future holds, I GOT THIS. Even if it means making mistakes, if it means tears, regrets…because there’s so much happiness waiting out there for me: I know it. And I have all the patience in the world while I wait to stumble upon it.
“I went to a wishing well, I sank to the ocean floor
I reached for a shooting star, it burned a hole through my hand
Made its way through my heart, had fun in the promised land “