I've been seeing a new guy. We'll call him Mr. Big, well, because that's what I call him. He's tall as hell. He's funny. He's a gentleman. On our first date, he held my hand on the way to the Uber. He towers over me and I don't even care that it hurts my neck to look up at him.
After our first date, he told me that I was cute and funny and he liked me. He texted later about our first date, saying "I really, really like you." I squealed with delight - internally.
I texted all of my friends and told them.
Due to both of our schedules being very busy the last month, we've only gone out three times, but we text every day. It's not one of those 24/7, constantly sending photos from our day and sharing every single detail of our lives, but it's a healthy mix of "Good morning," "How's your day going," etc kind of texts, mixed in with some deep conversations about life...when Kyrie died two weeks ago, he CALLED ME ON THE PHONE to comfort me. He offered to drive down to have a drink with me and comfort me. He's a really nice guy.
I really, really like him. I started to worry about how much I liked him when I realized I hadn't been on a date with anyone else since I met him.
He's not currently in a position to have a relationship, at least not a serious one, and I've been okay with that. I am pretty much the Reigning Queen of non-exclusive relationships with emotionally unavailable men. I know that I am ready for something substantial in my life (hell, Chris left three years ago and it's about time I found someone worth giving my full attention to, right?), but I've been okay with our dating because we've both agreed not to be exclusive. He isn't holding me back from finding someone else, if there were anyone else to find. P.S. I don't think there is anyone else to find.
But I digress.
We had a third date recently and we were having a great time. I didn't even finish my second beer, as I have imposed a "2 Drink Max" rule on myself due to recently getting wasted and being an idiot on a date.
As we were on our way elsewhere, a woman texted him, asking how his evening was. She was saved in his phone. I saw it. He said, "I'm sorry."
I had a flashback to #FakeBoyfriend last year, spending 7 months of my life focusing on him, and getting the message that he'd gotten close to someone else and that he didn't think we had a future together. Yeah, that might not sound so bad, and he didn't do anything wrong...but I immediately shut down. I saw last year happening all over again.
You see, every man I've cared about since my divorce, I've never been exclusive with any of them. They were either fresh out of a divorce, going through a divorce, or just too happy in their bachelorhood to want anything too serious with me. I loved quite a few of those men. All of those men...are now either in serious relationships OR MARRIED.
Am I the divorce whisperer? Am I the female version of Good Luck Chuck? It would appear so.
So I freaked out when I saw that text. I had him take me home. We didn't really speak. I don't remember if I kissed him goodbye, but I probably didn't. I didn't text him goodnight, he didn't text me. Then I woke up to this conversation.
You see, I thought, based on our previous conversations, that I was the only one. I may be the only one in the physical sense, but let's face it, this is my M.O. Nice guy, doesn't want a relationship, I allow myself to get close to them, then I am blind sighted by their being with someone else and ultimately choosing that other person. This is what happens to me. No one ever chooses me.
I was upset. Not to the point of crying or anything, but to the point that I was debating on whether I should just walk away now and forget the whole thing. But, WHY? I still talk to other guys. I saw a guy last week - it wasn't planned, but it happened and I didn't feel guilty about it. I even joked with Mr Big that I go on Tinder because I am bored and like the attention. WHY AM I SUCH A HYPOCRITE?
I spoke to my friend about it a bit, and she made me realize that for sure, I really have no reason to be upset, nor jealous.
I'm a big old fat hypocrite.
Maybe. Maybe I am just so damn jaded that I keep a long line of men behind whomever's in the forefront of my life, because I assume he's going to walk away, and let's face it guys, I suck at not dating. I've tried taking a mancation several times over the last three years, and then I wind up sitting here writing a blog post like this. My friend and I love this show called You're the Worst. I am totally Gretchen. I mean - she's Bipolar and I don't have any mental illnesses, which I guess somehow makes it worse because I have nothing to blame for being so detached and cold when it comes to love. My friend reminded me today (we just watched the series finale on Wednesday so we've been talking about it a lot lately)...
Don't be like Gretchen. Stop this shit. Stop assuming that everyone will walk away. (Even though they always do.)
I laugh and joke and say "Men Ain't Shit," but it's not really that much of a joke. My dating life has been so awful for the last six months that I can barely even bring myself to write about it lately, because it's HUMILIATING.
The last guy I dated before Mr. Big, which you'll read about later under the name #Tesla, well, he wound up having a girlfriend. I was a side piece. A mistress.
So maybe I'll stick with this one, if he doesn't run off into the sunset with whoever that other woman was. He is so nice, and normal. DID I MENTION HE IS NORMAL? Maybe I can forget about all of the assholes who came before him and just enjoy his company.
P.S. When you're on a date? Don't hand your phone to your date to enter the GPS directions. It's just a bad idea.