A few months ago, one of my Twitter followers tweeted me something that I think was meant to be an insult, but wasn't.
A lot of divorced women in your circle. Why do you think that is?
— SAINTSVINTAGE RESALE (@saintsvintage) October 11, 2017
I responded telling them that our husbands were assholes and we got divorced. Ha! It's kind of the truth. While I didn't actually leave my husband, it was the other way around, most of my now-single friends are single because they got a little older, a little wiser, and learned that it was time to walk away from their unhappy relationships. I may seem like a badass...but I wasn't when I was married - I often look back and wish that I had the courage to end the marriage instead of holding on for dear life, hoping...
Anyway, as I am approaching my third Christmas - and holy hell, NEW YEAR'S EVE - as a single woman, I find myself doing a lot of thinking about what this single life really means to me. What it's done to me. How it's changed me, in ways that I didn't even know I could change.
My first Christmas and New Year's alone, I spent in New York City, which kicked off a year of non-stop traveling and made me want to actually move there.
Long story short, I can't afford it and have set my sights on St Pete, Florida, instead.
You may want to read this post about how I keep meeting awesome guys when I travel, because I met a total sweetheart there!
So it's the holiday season again. Another year is coming to an end, and while I can congratulate myself on being ALIVE, still somehow managing to run this blog as a business and keep the mortgage paid (largely in part to my ex-husband paying alimony each month), I am kinda struggling, guys. The holidays are a time of togetherness, family, love - all of that mushy stuff.
Sometimes I feel like exactly the same person I was when I was married, and sometimes I don't even remember who that person was at all. She's like a distant memory, someone I knew so well and lost touch with and now can't remember what she looks like. You know how sometimes you'll come across a photo, and you'd completely forgotten about the event or what have you, and once you see the photo, you begin to remember? That's how I feel about MYSELF.
You want to know something funny? When Chris left me, I thought I would DIE without him. I realized the other day that I can't even remember what he looks like. I'm serious.
Time changes so much. It changes so many things. They say that time heals all wounds, and yeah, it really does. But it also changes who you are at such a fundamental level...and when you pick up the pieces and start to live again, you aren't even sure who you are anymore or what the fuck you're doing.
Yeah, I am still Jenn Quillen. I am still a daughter, a sister, a business owner, a friend, and most importantly, a mother.
My blog has suffered tremendously over the last two years. I make a fraction of what I did back in my married days, and while I would like to blame it on my marital status and daughter's age because of demographic advertising purposes, I think it's just because I sucked so bad at blogging for so long.
Yeah, I will own it. I did a bad job for a long time, and it's hard to keep a business thriving when it's a struggle to get out of bed for days on end. Sometimes friends help motivate me. I go to "Employee Meetings" with my girlfriend, Stef, who's also a blogger at MommyMusings.com.
But it's getting better, and over the last year - especially the last few months - I am finding my way in the world again. Of course I was always present and trying to make the most of each moment...but now I am figuring out what I want my future to look like. What I want to accomplish, who I want to be, and if I want anyone to come along for the ride with me. Hint: It's most likely just my girlfriends, because they're awesome.
Sometimes being single is really fun, and I don't think I'll ever want to have a boyfriend or (HA) get remarried. I love my single life, being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want. Girl's weekend getaways? I don't have to run that past anyone, ever.
Super sexy outfit to go out on a Friday night? No one around to give their opinion.
Sometimes that means going on Tinder in Greece and inviting a super cool British dude to meet for breakfast, bringing him into your social circle and spending two days becoming fast friends...and there's no partner back home, so I can flirt all I want and give him a memorable kiss goodbye.
All in all, I absolutely love being single. It's fun! It's free!
But then, sometimes being single isn't so fun.
Like when you are casually dating a guy for seven months or so, and become really close, so close that you think maybe he's "the one," and you run off to Croatia and almost fall in love.
Not long after, it ends...and it takes a while to heal and to feel healthy enough to start dating again.
Two months, if you're wondering. It took two months of not dating anyone, just hanging out with my girlfriends, to get back to my old self and go back on Tinder. The next one was even worse...we'll talk about that another time. All I can say is, THANK GOODNESS for friends. Bri has been a huge support when my other girl's can't be physically with me. And my sweet friend Haley of Love Life Family Travels came to town to support me while I was ending things with #FakeBoyfriend.
The last one was so bad that I basically cried all the way to Barcelona. Don't worry, I made up for it once I arrived - it was my friend Shelly's first time in Europe, I had to show her the ropes!
I'm usually okay. Even when all of my friends are busy, or a guy cancels a date on me - YES, THIS HAPPENED TO ME ONE TIME - I don't really care too much and I am pretty happy being on my own. But the holidays, man...they're getting to me.
Being single isn't fun right now.
I met a guy on Tinder last month who said he wanted to come from Europe to meet me and spend the month with me, as well as travel with me. I figured, what the hell? I'm not in a financial position to travel internationally at the moment, but he seemed really nice, interesting, and well, he's handsome.
Guys. THIS REALLY FUCKING HAPPENED. I matched with a guy, he'd already left the country before I swiped on him...and he planned a trip back to meet me.
I can't make this shit up.
So, he showed up. We got along really well at first, I took him to some Art Basel events with me for work, I took him out with my friends, we were having fun (mostly). We went to Key West together, we went to Disney World together...then I dropped him off at his hotel on South Beach last week and I haven't seen him since. He got so weird, not answering me about hanging out - like, literally IGNORING the question, saying, "write later," but then never would. It was really confusing and ultimately, extremely hurtful to be semi-ghosted like this.
I just deleted him from my phone, tried to focus on work as much as possible, and ate everything in the house and let all the feels come.
On Wednesday - after not seeing each other for a week and not speaking for a few days - he texted that he booked a last minute trip to the Bahamas.
So...I don't have anyone to watch A Christmas Story with on Christmas. I don't have anyone to kiss when the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve.
So that sucks.
So...yeah, I love being single. But it's not all popping champagne bottles and high heels and dancing until 5 AM, meeting handsome men in crowded bars in foreign countries and blowing kissy emojis via text messages. Sometimes being single isn't fun, and now is one of those times.
Sidenote: Don't worry, I'm not crying about it or anything. I still have 195 Tinder matches I haven't met yet.