What the HELL is up with People Ghosting?

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Okay, so, this is something that has really been bothering me because it actually happened to me by my best friend last month and it just completely and utterly devastated me. Out of nowhere, in the middle of a conversation….

GHOST.

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She just stopped texting back….and never texted me again. Never liked a Facebook post, never Tweeted me or commented on my Instagram…I even messaged her on Facebook messenger…nothing.

I am still heartbroken and totally confused. I have no idea what happened, but I knew the second she didn’t answer me, she was never speaking to me again. I just felt it. We were that close, that in tune.

So, I have been talking to this guy that I matched with on Tinder the morning I was leaving for Cuba. I don’t even really know why I swiped right, probably because he had super liked me, and was kinda cute in the blonde hair and blue eyed clean cut guy way, but he was 25, shorter than I prefer, and had ZERO in his profile. Not a single line.

But….the last time I swiped right on a guy with zero in his profile, it was Army Guy, and you guys probably remember how wonderful he turned out to be. Plus, this guy had nice muscles. Not too big or bulky, but looked like they would feel nice to hold onto while walking into a restaurant together. Or bar. Probably a bar. There was also a dog in one of his profile pics, and y’all know how much I love dogs.

Anyway. So I swiped right. I had just recently come off a two and a half month break from dating, in which I had actually DELETED my Tinder profile – not just deleted the app, but deleted the entire account. You can catch up on the reasoning behind that here. I set up Tinder again on Christmas weekend after a guy I had been talking to just up and vanished after cancelling THREE dates in a row….and a very unsuccessful date with someone right before I left for Cuba. I was just done. It was time to start all over, move on from all of the guys I’d been involved with in any way shape or form in the past – which you guys may realize is a real struggle for me, because I love to recycle.

We matched. I was sitting in the airport, about to walk onto a plane to Cuba and be without internet for a week….I got back and had a billion messages on Tinder, and while I wasn’t really looking to go on any dates that week because I was leaving for a work trip, I chatted with him a bit and eventually gave him my fake phone number.

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We talked a bit here and there, I was still kinda interested in that guy who’d cancelled three dates on me. I KNOW, I KNOW. I am a glutton for punishment. But somehow, as – well, let’s call him CCG – as CCG and I texted a lot during my trip to Detroit with Kia, I started liking him. He was so cute and sweet! He just seemed like a nice, normal, fun person. He wasn’t really looking for a relationship, but said he was there to meet people and was open to just seeing what happened. I am at the same place right now, so I saw him as a viable option. I explained that I wasn’t looking for hookups, etc. I told him I was looking for a nice guy to date. I am honest when guys ask me…I don’t really know exactly what I am looking for, aside from the fact that booty calls and one nights stands are NOT on the agenda.

I got back from my work trip and went about my normal life, and I was supposed to have a date with that other guy on a Saturday night. I spent all day texting with CCG and he joked about me cancelling on the other guy and going out with him.

AND I FUCKING DID.

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The other guy was upset, but I was pretty much at the end of my rope with him anyway, and I was looking for someone who had more potential. He knew that, and he was nice about it – we remain friendly. I am definitely not looking for a husband, but I am ready for more than seeing a guy who cancels almost every date we make, doesn’t text back for days at a time…I am ready for a man, I guess you could say. The other guy just turned 22 right before this – yeah, I went out with a 21 year old. Get over it. While CCG is 25, he is mature enough that I can take him seriously, he has a good job, his own apartment, and a great head on his shoulders. He’s an actual MAN.

I knew within about a week of texting daily that he was someone that I could take seriously and it seemed like there was some potential for something there. Even if it didn’t become anything “real,” he didn’t strike me as the type to screw me over and break my heart, so I cancelled my date and we made plans to get together for drinks that night. Also, he didn’t seem to mind my super sassy side, so that was major bonus points right there.

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So we went out, he was pretty awesome – so awesome that we left Blackpoint Marina after a while and went to another bar and had a few drinks and shared a piece of Peanut Butter Pie. He was even more attractive in person, and I would like to think that we really hit it off, as I liked him almost immediately. My impression of him over text was exactly on point for who I met in person.

We texted daily after that, and made plans for another date…in which I cancelled on yet ANOTHER guy (a brand new one that I met on Tinder that week), and he blew me off that night, claiming that he forgot to press send on the text and thought I was ignoring him. We scheduled another date for the following week (he spends about half the week away at work, so scheduling dates isn’t very easy)…and he cancelled on me.

At that point, I got the sinking feeling that he was totally blowing me off and about to ghost me, so I kept making dates with other guys.

I had one date where the guy totally lied about EVERYTHING…he showed up 30 minutes late AND I didn’t even recognize him when he walked in because his photos were at least five years old and he’d gained about 50 pounds. He announced when he got there that he would pay for dinner since he was late. Me: Um. You should be paying for dinner anyway, you asked me on a date. REALLY?! I just spent the day getting a mani, pedi and a blow out for this first date, I literally spent more trying to look pretty for you than you did on these damn tacos and margaritas!

Anyway. The next day I went on another first date with a different guy…a guy who for all intense purposes should have been a great match for me. He was 31, a Marine Biologist, and was a Miami native too. That date went okay, we even kissed goodbye and made a second date for the following week. I may end up writing about that date as well, because it was the first time I’ve ever threw down money to pay a bill and then STORMED OUT of the restaurant and blocked his number. He was AWFUL.

So…then CCG asks me on a date again. I had plans with friends for happy hour and we met up afterwards. We had a few drinks and had a fantastic time. I really liked him. My first impression seemed to be 100% correct – he was a great guy, and the chemistry was amazing…

The next day, we are texting a bit and then he goes silent…and I didn’t hear from him for two days. My radar went up…

We start texting again on that second day, then the next day he ignores me…then we are texting again, I go away for a work trip for Kia again, and I just feel this entire time that he isn’t really that interested. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here before, but I seem to have really bad luck with second dates…not many men make it past the first date, and very few make it past the second. The second date is usually make or break for me; either we become friends or we never speak again. I don’t know what it is! Only Army Guy from last year made it past the second date, um, and Army Guy #2 as well. ONLY TWO MEN IN AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I am quite picky when it comes to who I actually go out on a date with, and friends are always laughingly calling me a serial dater. But I know myself well enough that I don’t waste my time or theirs if I don’t feel it clicking by the second date. It is what it is.

So I literally asked him one night via text if he was still interested because I felt like he wasn’t, and I didn’t want to continue texting if he wasn’t. I just went for it. I didn’t want to be put in a situation where I was investing energy in someone who had no intentions of seeing me again. I don’t have time for that shit. He assured me that he was, but was just really busy. Okay, makes sense, we all get that. But…then a few days later, he stopped answering my texts completely. FOR DAYS. I finally, after four days, sent him a text because I was honestly shocked that out of all the guys I have dated recently, HE would be the one to ghost me. I just didn’t peg him as that kind of person!

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So that happened. And then we texted for a few hours, catching up, making small talk, joking around – a very normal type of conversation for us.

No mention of seeing each other again so far, but he’s affirmed his status as a nice, normal guy and I still like him.

I really don’t understand the concept of ghosting. Why do people do this?! I have had breakups with friends and with guys too where we quit speaking, texting, unfollowed on social media, etc, but we had a conversation. Shit, even the Army Guy last year gave me a goodbye breakup text, and he was one of the most immature people I’ve ever met in my life. I just don’t get it.

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How hard is it to say BYEEEEEEEE GIRL!? It’s just rude. It’s mean. It says, “I don’t respect you enough as a human being to acknowledge that this is over. You don’t matter.”

Clearly, not everyone you date will end up getting serious. It’s just a level of basic human decency to tell someone if you’re no longer interested…dude, just say goodbye.

Being ghosted give you an awful, awful feeling. Don’t do it, folks.

 

UPDATE: A friend recently sent me this article, and I think it may help those of you who have been ghosted: http://carlabirnberg.com/2017/02/22/3-ways-to-survive-ghosting-by-a-friend/.

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