I've been living by the motto "you only live once" for quite a while now. I've dealt with my fair share of deaths in the family, and when Angeline's father died five years ago, it was a tipping point for me.
Life is short.
So Chris and I saved every penny we could, we paid off as much debt as possible, and two years later, I left the workforce in order to be more present for Angeline - for Chris too, but mostly to be 100% available to my daughter.
For the past three years, we have lived a very happy life. Sure, we've faced struggles and things haven't always been as wonderful as they could be. But we've been happy.
I've been happy.
As often happens in life, when things are smooth sailing, disaster strikes.
It struck me last weekend in the form of the discovery of a lump in my right breast.
Since I've lost 35 pounds in the past 6 months, my body has changed - and you can imagine how that change has presented itself in my breasts!
Why is it that we always lose weight where we LEAST want to lose it?
As I was laying in bed last Sunday night, I was feeling sorry for myself because of the state of my breasts. The thought of getting a breast lift flitted through my mind and my hand instinctively flew to my breast to feel how much sagging there really was.
And I felt a lump. A rather large lump.
For a second, I couldn't breathe. I think my heart must have stopped; it was as of all of the air had suddenly been sucked from the room.
After almost 20 years of battling my cigarette addiction, the first thought to form in my mind was BREAST CANCER.
Of course it was.
Every smoker, no matter how young or old, has that deep, dark, lurking fear of developing cancer. I think that every woman almost expects to find out that her boobs have turned against her at some point or another - breast cancer is all around us. It's on Facebook, we see the pink Twibbons on Twitter, we see a sea of pink yogurt labels before us at the grocery store. So as a woman - a woman who has smoked off and on (mostly on) for almost 20 years, I've always been apprehensive.
I've done self breast exams since I was 20-something. I do them regularly...which is what had me so frightened when I felt that lump last Sunday - I'd never felt it before.
As we don't have health insurance, I quickly realized the financial impact this would have on us - I don't even have a primary doctor anymore, how was I going to deal with this?! I spent half the night alternating between quietly sobbing and running budget calculations on my iPhone to figure out how I would pay for the doctors appointments I needed to make in the morning.
I don't know how, but I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up Monday morning, I didn't even remember having found the lump right away. I was feeding the dogs and it suddenly came rushing back to me. I sat down and began Googling Free Mammograms in Miami - which resulted in a ton of Breast Cancer Awareness programs...that were only available during October.
I found out that the low cost clinic not too far away had a Mammogram department and went in to find out how quickly I could be seen. I had to see a doctor to have a breast exam done first, but I didn't have to wait very long. I'm guessing that the fact that I walked into the registration department in tears hurried things along.
As the nurse took my information and we chatted about my finding the lump, she was so optimistic that she actually lifted my spirits. After the doctor came in and we discussed it, he was equally optimistic! However, while he was performing the exam, he told me not to tell him where I'd found the lump - so when he told me he felt it and it wasn't the lump I had found? I immediately began crying.
There's nothing more pathetic than a grown ass woman, half naked and crying on an exam table while a strange man has her boob in his hand.
What I thought was one lump was actually two, and he'd found a third. His demeanor changed when he felt the first lump and I immediately felt the atmosphere in the room change.
He told me that he wanted me to have a mammogram and a breast ultrasound after my menstrual cycle was over and then left the room.
The nurse came back in once I was dressed and gave me paperwork for my visit and a referral to the Mammogram department. She told me that I needed to be seen as soon as possible, and that if they wouldn't fit me in right away, to come back to her and she would refer me to another place.
They didn't have an appointment available for two weeks - which I could not handle. So I went back and she referred me to a diagnostic center, which was able to get me in a mere 6 days later. It was the longest 6 days of my life!
Once I went to the diagnostic center, I found out that not only did the doctor not print out the referral for the ultrasound, but that the diagnostic center wouldn't give me my results of the mammogram for at least a week - and that they'd send them to the referring doctor when they came in. So I would have to make another appointment to see the doctor to get the referral for the ultrasound, then make another appointment with the diagnostic center after waiting...and waiting...
I couldn't wait.
Chris and I left the diagnostic center and I Googled "Breast Ultrasounds in Miami Without Prescriptions" and found a place in South Miami that had state of the art equipment, doctors on staff - and they went over results immediately after doing the exams RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
They made me an appointment for the following Monday - still a week away - but I asked if they had any cancellations, to please call me. Within a few hours, my phone was ringing and they asked if I could come in the next day at 11:30, because they'd had a cancellation. Thank the heavens that I thought to ask for them to call me if they had a cancellation!
That appointment was today.
I was terrified, sitting in that waiting room in my robe, with three other women also waiting for their appointments.
When it was my turn to see the doctor, I explained to her what I felt, we went over my family's history of cancer - there is none - and we got down to business. The ultrasound machine was right there next to the exam table, and she poured a bunch of very cold gel on my boobies and began to check them out.
Right away, I saw the big black circles on the screen. I started to cry (what can I say, I am a huge crybaby) and she stopped and patted my arm, telling me, "These are cysts! They are nothing to worry about!"
And I cried even harder.
As it turns out, I have a lot of cysts, so many that the doctor recommended that even though I am only 34, I begin getting annual breast ultrasounds.
While these cysts are just regular old run-of-the-mill benign cysts, and have no potential to become cancerous, I have so many cysts in each breast that if I do develop any kind of abnormal growth, I won't be able to tell the difference between the cysts and a potentially cancerous growth! She said that these cysts can't hurt me and that they will not need to be removed, but if they begin to grow or hurt me, that I can come in and have them drained.
Fun, right?
It's almost funny, this entire situation. I was SO HAPPY before I found this lump, and I have had two amazing things happen to me since I found it - I won a $5000 Delta Vacations sweepstakes and I was invited on my first Disney press event - the Hollywood premier of Iron Man 3 - yet I couldn't really find the joy in those things because, well, I had convinced myself that I was dying of cancer.
But I'm not. I am okay - I am better than okay!
And while I am okay, I wanted to share this experience with you because I learned something very valuable through this experience. The doctor told me that I have probably had these cysts for a very long time, but I never felt them before because while I was overweight, my breasts were much fuller...so if this was a cancerous growth, and I hadn't lost this 35 pounds in the last six months?
I would not have felt it.
Granted, everything ended up okay...but it could have very easily not been okay. There are a million reasons to get healthy and lose weight, but this isn't one I would have ever imagined.
Go check your boobs. If you feel anything suspicious, get it checked out. If you don't have insurance, Google "low cost clinic" or "low cost mammogram" in your city. If you need help finding an affordable option in your city, email me and I will try to help. I feel like the expert on Googling boob stuff right now.
Also? Never ever, under any circumstance, Google "Breast Cancer" and click on your images.
Trust me, you don't want to see it.
Tammilee Tillison
Thank you for sharing your story! I can not imagine how scary the past week had to have been! We will have to celebrate in some manner while we are in LA. It is my first Disney event and I can't wait for it!
Jennifer Quillen
Girl, we are definitely celebrating in LA! LOL!
Stefanie
I've actually been in your situation, but with a cyst on my ovary. I had to have surgery to get it removed, and thankfully it was benign.
The stress was almost unbearable.
Joy Williams
My heart is with you Jen! I would have cried too! My blood clinic failed me last summer. They damaged my blood slide that made my cells look abnormal. That in turn concerned my dr I had lukemia! I had to see a blood dr at cancer treatment centers. It was very scary. It turned out the blood slide must have been crushed bc the dr assured me that the 2 additional samples he drew showed no lukemic cells. Whew it freaked me out. I had a 2 week span as well as you where I questioned faith death what I still hadn't done..oh my. ((Hugs)) So glad you are ok 🙂
Jennifer Quillen
I can't even imagine how terrified you must have been!! 🙁 I am glad that you are okay!
Hanan
How scary, Jenn! So glad everything is okay!!
Courtney Velasquez
Hugs Jennifer! I just went through this a few months ago and totally understand the emotions you went through, the uncertainty, fear, etc. I ended up having to have a biopsy that confirmed the lumps were cysts and had to go back a few weeks ago to check another one they had found and it too looks to be benign. It's better to be safe and check these things out than be sorry and find out too late. I'm so glad everything checked out to be ok for you!!! ((HUGS))
Jennifer Quillen
Thank you! I thought of you and how you wrote about the process as you were going through it, I am so glad that the other one was benign too!
Sall
I'm due to go to the breast clinic on Monday after a routine mammogram found not only possible benign masses but an unidentified one on my right breast. I've taken myself to hell and back this week waiting but am trying to stay positive. Thank you for this ... it has helped!
Jennifer Quillen
I am sorry that you're also going through this! I wouldn't wish this fear on my worst enemy! I'll be sending you positive thoughts! xoxo
Melissa
I don't have words right now for what you went through, but I'm hugging you tight in my heart.
Jennifer Quillen
Thank you! xoxo
Theresa
So glad it all worked out. I would have been crying too.
brandy
((hugs)) Jenn! I'm so glad that it wasn't as serious!
Jen
Oh wow. I can't imagine how stressful all of that was, I was stressed reading this, and I knew the ending. I am so glad every thing is fine, and it is good to know there are places you can get into quickly! Check you boobies
Jen
Oh wow. I can't imagine how stressful all of that was, I was stressed reading this, and I knew the ending. I am so glad every thing is fine, and it is good to know there are places you can get into quickly! Check you boobies.
Amy Tavakouli
I am very thankful that you have a clean bill of health.
Jennifer Quillen
Me too. I kept telling Chris, there is NO WAY that the universe is going to take both of Angeline's parents, that just can't happen!!
Kelly
I can only imagine how scared you must have been. I had something similar happen when I was 22. I was doing a self check and found what ended up being a cyst but it was so unnerving, the only possible explanation in my mind was cancer. I'm so relieved that everything is ok and you're healthy!
Sara Phillips
HOW SCARY!! I am SO GLAD everything turned out just fine (and you are able to find joy in those two awesomesauce events you've got coming!)! Thank you for sharing your story.
Nichol
I am so so glad they are only cysts. When I was 25 I felt my first lump, like you scared to death I called my doctor. I had my first mammo, which turned out to be only fatty tissue. Thank heavens. My mom had breast cancer in 2006 and many on her side have passed from breast cancer, so yeah I get scared and check my boobs daily. Glad glad all turned out okay for you. And congrats on the win and press trip, have a great time!!
Henrietta
It's so wonderful to hear that you are okay! There is nothing quite as scary as the big C, so happy for you and congrats on those wins!
jennifer Drinkwater
Hi Jen! I am so sorry you had to go through that! I too have been in the same situation, they found 3 in my right breast, that come and go, I also had one on my ovary, now in my stomach! I almost feel like a mutant. When I saw your story and read the first few lines, my heart sank! I'm so glad that you are okay! I love you my friend!!!!!! <3
trisha
I went through this about 2 years ago, maybe less. I did the same thing. Had to go to the cancer center and everyting. Turned out to be...get this....too much soda. Apparantly lumps can form in your breasts as a result. I kicked my Coke habit and all is well now.
And woza on winning the vacation!! Where can I sign up for THAT?
Jen-Eighty MPH Mom
How very scary!! I am SO glad you are okay. I think this is a good reminder to do the self-exams and make sure everything feels "normal". I can only imagine how terrified you must have been.
HUGS.
Stephanie
I went through something like a few years back, it was terrifying. Luckily it was benign lumps (and I too had them everywhere). Im glad that your results came back ok.
Donna
I am so glad you are okay, Jenn! As an ex-smoker and a woman with breasts, and someone who spent a lot of time tanning in my younger days... I worry a lot now that I will have cancer. 🙁
Sheri
I'm glad you're okay! I know exactly what you were feeling. I had a lumpectomy in my early twenties and was sure it was cancer. Thankfully it wasn't, but the mind goes some pretty awful places! Thankfully there was no internet then, lol.
Kiersten
I was so worried after you mentioned having a health scare and I am so happy to hear that it was just that--a scare. But such a good reminder to take care of ourselves.
Jennifer Sikora
I am SO glad I read this post of yours because I too have found lumps and am positively scared to go. But I know I need to. Thanks for sharing your info and SO glad that everything turned out OK.