Today is the fourth anniversary of my daughter’s biological father’s death.
I’ve struggled for years to come to terms with his suicide, trying to find it within my heart to forgive him for the way he lived his life and the way he ended it without so much as a second thought about the child he was leaving behind…
It’s been a long four years.
They say that children are resilient and they recover quickly. That has been partially true for my daughter, but I’d be a fool to think she was “over it” – is it ever really possible to get over the loss of your father when you were only 10 years old at the time of his death?
He’s missed so much in the last four years.
Just when I think I’ve found forgiveness, I find myself angry again.
She is doing well, because she is a resilient kid. But she misses him.
Of course she does.
She finished middle school and will be a high schooler in a matter of mere months. She got into a really good high school, into the program she wanted so badly. She had her first big school dance, her eighth grade prom, a few weeks ago.
He missed it all.
She wore the necklace he gave her when she was 10 to her prom to have a little piece of him with her on her special day.
I wish she had been able to call him and tell him all about it. I know that she wished she could have too.
She’s taller than I am now. If he were here, he would never stop making fun of me for being shorter than a 14 year old girl.
He’d probably argue with me over not letting her listen to Nine Inch Nails.
He’d most definitely not approve of the way I let her dress. I can almost hear him saying, “Don’t let her wear those tight skinny jeans!”
He’d be so proud of her because she is such a fantastic kid.
It’s so weird to me, to think that he’s really been gone this long.
He was larger than life, and his laughter, his craziness, even his obnoxiousness, has carried him past his untimely death.
Cheston Wade Little, you are missed, but not forgotten.
I am so sorry for this loss your daughter and yourself have had to endure. I do believe though he is with her everyday. I am sure he was there with her during all those times you mentioned.
You have to be so proud of your daughter and her accomplishments in the face of adversity. It’s a credit to her and to you. She’s beautiful and I’m sure her Dad is smiling down on her and cheering her on everyday!
🙁 I’m so sorry you and she have had to go through that. I know how much I miss my mom and I was in my thirties when I lost her. You are clearly doing a great job though. She is beautiful. So glad she had something to make her feel his presence on a special day.
((HUGS)) and prayer for you, your daughter, and everyone that loved him. Anger and sadness are completely understand and normal- just part of the grief process, unfortunately. Like Lisa mentioned, you are doing a fabulous job with Angeline and I have no doubt that he would agree.
Wow, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you and your daughter. The fact that you have such an amazing kid is only a testament to how great of a mother you are.
Hugs to both you and your daughter. I can’t even imagine what the two of you have gone through. Your daughter is beautiful!
I’m so sorry Jenn. I’ve lost someone to suicide too, and I understand being angry. She’s a beautiful girl!
You couldn’t have said it any better, you brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think it’s possible for her to turn out any better than she has, you’ve done an amazing job. I know how proud you are, and I know Cheston would be just as proud to see it all.
What a beautiful tribute to your daughter’s father. She is fortunate that she has you to share stories about her Dad. ((hugs)) to you both.
I am so sorry, Jenn! This is a beautiful post.
Oh Jenn – You made me cry. This is so well written. Your daughter is so lucky to have you to help her keep his memory alive.
Sending you and your daughter love, hugs, and strength today. Suicide isn’t something we’re meant to understand and you’re right, it’s selfish for those of us left behind. Thankfully you’re such a strong woman and a great mom!
Awwwwww! 🙁
What a beautiful way to help keep his memory alive for her. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your post and so sweet and honesty. I hate that he left that way but only God knows what He was hiding behind those laughs, craziness and personality. I pray that you and your daughter will find the peace you both deserve and that your anger will be replaced with love and understanding.
I had no idea 🙁 I’m so so sorry for you and A to have to go through this kind of pain. It was a beautiful post.
I am so sorry. I would say I know how you feel, but I don’t.
My oldest Second Grade teacher took her life and it still kind of makes me mad.
Several times Chris asked me if it was his fault.
Chris is a grown man now and a super strong hearted individual.
I think I am rambling because I have no idea what to day. I found you when I was reading another blog and for the life of me I cannot remember which blog it was.
Peace be with you,
Pam
What a beautiful post and a remembrance of him. Sending prayers and hugs to you and your daughter today.
Jen,
She has grown up into a beautiful young lady. I know Cheston would be so proud of her and be so thankful for the mother that you are. I still can not believe that he is gone too. I know that I was not as close to him as others. But when I think back to my high school days he is in many of my memories. You are a very blessed woman to have such a wonderful and beautiful daughter.
I’m sorry your daughter had to lose her father at such a young age! She is beautiful and I’m sure he is always around for those special moments!
brought tears to my eyes that someone can care so little for life and not realized how blessed he was for the people around him. Hugs to you and your daughter. Prayers that he rests in peace. I’m sure he is looking down on the both of you
Sending prayers to you and your daughter. I am sure he is with her everyday.
What a sad and awful thing to have to live through. Your daughter looks absolutely gorgeous for her dance, I think he would be proud of the way you are raising her! I’m sorry for your loss.
I still read this article about him sometimes. It’s weird to think that I’ve spent almost as much time on Earth with him gone than I have with him here. It’ll be 8 years next June, yet it still feels yesterday that Papa came in and told us what had happened. I miss him so much, but it’s great being able to read this and know that he will be remembered for generations.
I love you and miss you. You were the best uncle a girl could ever have, and I will never forget your craziness.
Love,
Jessica.
I <3 you.