I have a strangely funny birth date. April 20th.
You aren’t chuckling? Yeah, join the club, I didn’t get it either until a year or two ago…It’s a stoner reference, a “smoke weed at 4:20 everyday” or something like that thing. I feel that it’s wasted on me, being as I am not a drug user. But at least it detracts from the fact that I share a birth date with that asshole, Adolph Hitler.
I usually have a serious freak out right before my birthday and have that WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? nervous breakdown. Each year, I reflect on what I did or did not (usually did not) accomplish over the past 12 months and berate myself for being such a loser and wasting my life away. Last year it wasn’t too awful, as I had just quit the job I spent the last 7 years despising and I still had that ‘vacation mode’ thing going on.
But it’s been a year. An E N T I R E year…and I haven’t really figured anything out. I quit my decent-paying, benefits-reaping job of 7 years because not only did I actually hate my job, but I wanted to take some time and find myself and discover what I really wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, I still have no clue.
I feel as though I’m just floating around, day to day, without any real direction. It is beginning to wear on me.
My husband mentioned to me a while ago that he thought I would get depressed after I quit working. I am the type of person that has to constantly accomplish something. He remembers back when I was laid off in 2001; I went into a severe depression before I found a job some three months later. It was rough. I felt useless, worthless.
This time it’s different. I am enjoying all this “ME” time. I am enjoying the fact that I can run the errands I need to run. I can work on small remodeling projects around our 50 year old house. I can lunch with friends and cook elaborate meals for my family. I have been blogging, writing poems again, using various social networking sites to connect with other people that are going through similar phases of their lives.
While this isn’t what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, it is a nice “in-the-meantime” gig. I am beginning to think more and more about going back to school to get a degree in education. History has always been a passion of mine and hell, with all of this free time, it only makes sense that I should pursue something that I would really enjoy doing for a living.
I think I may have just found myself. Or, at least, I’m on the right path.